By Tora Bueno, Parent in Carlsbad Unified School District

It’s challenging in life to push aside frustrations from unmet expectations or unresolved problems and be a consistent, present parent for our children.

In the book, The Body Keeps Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk, the author describes how the body has a memory for stress. Allowing for recovery from traumatic situations, or even the day-to-day happenings outside our control, is essential to maintaining a healthy balanced life.

We may have been suggested to try self-care, but have no idea where to start. Here are some suggestions for that may help you start a small, daily practice that can help you or your student.

Spontaneity helps.

Not all activities need to be organized. Allow time for play and incorporate activities like dancing to loud music, drawing, baking, throwing a ball. Taking part in any low-stakes fun with your loved ones is a form of self-care.

Take care of the basics.

Maintain a regular sleep schedule with eight to nine hours of sleep, stay hydrated, strive for a healthy diet, incorporate movement into your day (walking is excellent), get outside, cut down on screen time, value and strengthen social connections, and lastly, find a reason to laugh. 

Practice gratitude.

Share “three good things” either at mealtimes, in the car, or when your family is all together. Each person lists three good things that happened that day and also “happy and crappy” (or whatever words your family is comfortable using) in which you acknowledge both good and bad that happened, making space for both and making sense out of it all.

The Roman philosopher Cicero called gratitude “the mother of all virtues.” It helps to remember the good in our lives and, maybe even more powerfully, the good that we do. Andrew Huberman, a neurologist and ophthalmologist at Stamford University, cited gratitude studies in scientific literature which showed that when the good we do is mirrored back to us by third parties our wellbeing is significantly enhanced. Try switching up the gratitude practice by acknowledging good done by others and see how it feels.

Find your why.

“Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear with almost any ‘how’,” wrote psychologist Viktor Frankl in, Man’s Search For Meaning. Frankl’s Logotherapy theory suggests that meaning is the motivating force that drives humans to pursue connection, education, wealth, and more. But in school, education is often a ‘one-size-fits-all’ and students may not always leave with an understanding of their ‘why’. Scott Schimmel’s YouSchool aims to help fill in the motivation gap and guide people of all ages with a special focus on teens and recent graduates to build a meaningful life.

Try a break from the news and social media.

Reliving the horrors of war in Ukraine or a minute-by-minute account of a mass shooting is a sort of trauma by proxy. It takes us out of our current moment, our bodies, and our reality. Try a total phone detox or check the news once, briefly, and then turn it off for the day. After experimenting, find a routine that works for you and stick with it. There is nothing like a detox to show how strongly something is affecting our well-being.

By Tora Bueno, Parent in Carlsbad Unified School District

I listened to Dr. Lisa Damour’s podcast episode, How Should Kids Spend Summer 2022?, and wanted to share her wonderful suggestions. Each of them struck me as evergreen for maintaining good mental health year long, but so much easier to implement in the long days of summer.

Get Adequate Sleep

Non-negotiable. According to Dr. Damour, elementary school children need 11 or more hours of sleep per night, middle schoolers 10 hours, and high school kids 9 hours (here are the CDC guidelines). What the recommendations suggest is a lot more than we clock in our household, and I thought I was a good guardian over my family’s sleep.

One strategy to help sleep cycles is to always wake up at the same time every day. (It’s easier than regulating bedtime). If I am awake at six I try to be in bed around 8 or 9 p.m. I ban all screens an hour before bedtime and don’t let my middle schooler have his phone or Nintendo Switch in his room at night. Seeing my son’s friends messaging one another on video games and social media at all hours of the night, even on school nights, makes me realize they are not ready for devices in bedrooms yet.

Learn Something New

One effect of the Covid-19 pandemic is that social distancing requirements and school closures limited children’s exposure to new experiences and peer interaction. Dr. Damour suggests going to YouTube where literally anything can be learned, from how to fix a sink, to juggling, to learning a new instrument.

I can attest to this as my son taught himself guitar by watching Marty Schwartz tutorials after getting a guitar for Christmas (you can pick up a used instrument on OfferUp for relatively little money). My daughter has become a proficient vegan baker thanks to TikTok. A beginner’s mind is highly prized in eastern philosophy and there is truly nothing like being a beginner to heighten awareness, clear your mind, and open your ears. It’s hard to try new things so I am including this article for inspiration.

Take Safe Risks

Surf, dirt bike, canyoning, kayaking, bouldering, camping, skateboarding. Dr. Damour says safe risks build resilience in children (and ourselves) against anxiety and fear. Learn to be comfortable with discomfort.  She recommends the books, 50 Risks to Take with Your Kids, by Daisy Turnbull Brown, The Daring Book for Girls, and, The Dangerous Book for Boys. I would add, Unbored, by Joshua Glenn and Elizabeth Foy Larsen, a gorgeously illustrated book my family has owned and loved for more than a decade.

The Goodreads review of Turnbull’s recommendation, 50 Risks to Take with Your Kids, writes: “It’s about nurturing independence and resilience, teaching kids to recognize and assess risks themselves, and readying them to take on life and all that it brings. And it’s about having fun and connecting as a family along the way.”

On a personal note, I have struggled with fear and anxiety my whole life and I will attest to the value of taking safe(ish) risks and trying something new. I recently took up surfing. I rarely go out willingly and always come home feeling spent and calm. Something about taking an actual risk with actual danger has stopped my circular thinking about perceived or possible dangers. Also, being in nature and with my family with low expectations of looking cool and a constant beginner mind has done wonders for my mental health.

Meet New People

Try introducing your child to kids outside their own age. In the parenting book, Escaping the Endless Adolescence, (hands down my favorite), authors Claudia Worrell Allen, Ph.D, J.D. and Joseph Allen, PhD, delve into how teenagers used to mix with people of all ages on a regular basis. Summer camp, a job, or volunteer work is a great place to meet new people and mingle with a variety of different ages.  This helps broaden their minds and perspectives on life. Carlsbad Educational Foundation has summer options for all students, from grades TK – 12.

This comes back to the third suggestion, be comfortable with discomfort when trying something new. The pandemic has made many people’s lives more insular than they once were and meeting new people shakes us out of our shells.

Be of Service

Dr. Damour urges us to make our children contribute beyond themselves. This is something the book, Escaping the Endless Adolescence, hits on as well. Helping others helps us feel better. It gives our lives meaning and, as Dr. Jordan Peterson and philosophers and psychologists throughout the ages have said, meaning makes life bearable.

Dr. Damour suggests small things: craft cards for people in hospitals, help an elderly neighbor with yard work, or ask your children to plan and cook a dinner once a week. I already shop and cook with my daughter, and this summer I will teach my son how to choose produce and make a balanced meal from scratch.

The lovely thing about Dr. Damour’s list is that we can combine any of the above tips to improve the quality of our life. Baking for charity, for instance, might hit suggestions 2, 4, and 5. Damour also mentions Rob Lieber’s book, The Opposite of Spoiled, about teaching children how to save, spend, and give money. Overall, Dr Damour says to let go of the agenda and enjoy each other’s company in the moment.

Her last tip for parents and guardians is to think about what would make us, the adults, feel good this summer. Fill yourself up too and have a great summer!

By Tora Bueno, Parent in Carlsbad Unified School District

School closures and social distancing during the Covid-19 pandemic put a spotlight on the importance of having a practice to deal with life’s inevitable transitions. People of all ages suffered from abrupt lifestyle changes, but children especially were subject to a loss of freedom and peer support. To help children’s social and emotional growth, it’s helpful to learn how to develop resiliency.

In a panel discussion with experts in the medical and educational fields, panelists introduced resources for parents to support students’ social-emotional needs. The panel consisted of educator Carol Van Vooren, doctor and former CUSD student Alison Estrada, school social worker, educator, and mother of five Jenée Peevy, and Scott Schimmel, CEO of YouSchool and father of three.

Whilst acknowledging that every child is an individual and there is no one way to address social and emotional needs, panelists took the concept of resilience and asked “how can we not just bounce back from adversity but actually grow from it?”

Become Resilient Amidst Adversity

Step 1: Grieve the Loss

First, make space to acknowledge, assess and grieve a situation before moving on to “what’s next”. Then, by rallying internal and external resources, asking for help and following through on our needs we can help children to grow from the weight of stress rather than buckle under it.

Step 2: Model Right Action

Next, we need to know what we are dealing with. How can we learn more about what our children are feeling and experiencing? The panel agreed that modeling is the first step. In order to help our children, we have to start with ourselves. By modeling good self-care and asking for help ourselves we show our children how to reflect on their own inner lives and how to care for themselves. We can learn to cope individually, but also by reaching out for help when we need it – hopefully our children will see and learn to do the same.

Step 3: Name the Experience

Starting with our speech and expression, many of us have automatic responses when asked how we are feeling: “fine”, “good”, and “bad”. Finding more precise language for feelings goes a long way toward a more nuanced awareness of our emotions. Even emojis are constantly spawning more refined iterations that can help us express our feelings better. We must practice going beyond the usual answers, get curious about what we feel, and find more precise language to express it.

It is important that we help our children by asking questions and becoming better listeners. This includes mirroring back to our children what we understand from them, giving our kids an opportunity to refine what they are telling us, and also for us to improve our own listening skills. Language, cognition, and emotions are linked like beads on a thread. Refining our language around difficult emotions helps us to process and locate our sense of agency.

Step 4: Try Asset Mapping

Another tool is asset mapping or wellbeing networks. This involves writing and asking questions. Write your name in the middle of a piece of paper and start to ask yourself (or your child) to think about one problem they have and consider what assets and resources you (or they) have at their disposal for dealing with the problem. For instance, a teen that is feeling down on themselves and worried about their future could begin by writing down their interests, what their strengths are, the names of friends or educators who are supportive of this gift or interest, and before you know it they have a page full of ideas, positive reinforcements – assets.

Step 5: Let Your Child Be Heard

Beyond language and expression, try not to impose or guess what is going on with children. Avoid “are you upset because X did Y to you and that makes you feel insecure?” Better would be, “Why do you think this is happening?” or “How does this make you feel?” Stay curious, show empathy and care, and practice good listening skills.

The paradox is that we grow in resilience by meeting and dealing with life’s challenges. The quality we want comes from experiences we don’t want. Resiliency is a muscle we can all help our children strengthen. The danger is that if they feel too much pressure, or don’t find the support they need when it’s needed, it can feel like something is breaking. The more we work on building up their arsenal of tools and practices the more mentally and emotionally flexible and strong they will be.